- Make a request (This can be a text.):
- “I need 10 minutes to talk.” (Time limited, neutral, gets consent— increasing compliance. Owns that it is for you.)
- “When are you available?” (Respectful. Asks a question making it more likely to get a reply. Narrows down the time frame.)
- Set the stage:
- “I want to tell you something as your mom – it’s not anything bad.” (Alleviates fear)
- “Can you agree to stay calm and not react… just listen and consider what I’m saying?” (Sets an achievable positive expectation, allows him to activate executive functions: prepare rather than react instinctively.)
- “I think you are capable/grown up enough to stay in a conversation and be mature.” (Leverages higher level functioning. Kids are unlikely to disagree with a positive expectation.)
- “I don’t think this is an unreasonable request.” (Hard to disagree with this.)
- “Afterwards, if you want you can dismiss it.” (Reinforces control.)
- Deliver the message:
- “I may be wrong, but I think you may be in over your head and haven’t handed papers in.” (Lets the secret out nonjudgmentally – alleviating stress)
- “If it were true, there might be some recourse we can think through if you want.” (Offering to problem solve implies options – even if he doesn’t take you up on it.)
- “I’m just asking you to consider this – I don’t need an answer.” (Takes pressure off)
Approaching—rather than avoiding—problems using a confident, matter-of-fact, respectful demeanor with a time-limited, planned approach helps desensitize teens to anxiety. Positive statements and expectations help kids live up to higher-level behavior. Through cumulative exposure, teens expand their capacity to tolerate feelings and stay in the conversation rather than shut it down.
