Perfectionism is increasing among young people and is associated with mental health problems, physical health issues and early death.
- Studies have demonstrated a consistent link between being suicidal and chronic exposure to external pressure to be perfect, as well as a link between perfectionism and lethal suicides.
- Perfectionists are experts at concealing suicidal feelings and being perfect at presenting themselves as doing fine.
High achieving families and communities create risk for perfectionists
Perfectionism and its harmful effects can be invisible in high achieving families and communities where excelling is the expected norm.
Unlikely Red Flag:
When a perfectionist who is undergoing a stressful situation that should be causing psychological distress appears to be doing remarkably well, this is a warning sign.
- Perfectionism is often a part of suicides that take place without warning
- Perfectionists can hide their pain behind a perfect front, suffering in silence, while experiencing unbearable pain and despair from the pressure of unrealistic expectations of themselves and the perceived expectations of others (including parents and school). This front disguises an internal world of self-criticism, rumination, all or none thinking, and unrelenting fear of making a mistake or disappointing others.
References:
- Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2024). The need to focus on perfectionism in suicide assessment, treatment, and prevention. World Psychiatry, 23(1), 152–154. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.21157
- Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., & Heisel, M. J. (2014). The destructiveness of perfectionism revisited: Implications for the assessment of suicide risk and the prevention of suicide. Review of General Psychology, 18(3), 156–172.
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary:
Parents often either deny or do not recognize the powerful and toxic impact of the pressure teenagers and young adults in high-achieving communities and families experience, and the lengths these kids will go to avoid the dreaded fear of disappointing their parents and/or “failure.”
Making the stakes too high
Typically, parents who are embedded in a competitive environment, are themselves responding to this same pressure, fearful that their child will be left behind in life. They perceive exaggerated stakes of GPA, test scores, and whether their kids get into an elite college. Parents can recognize and acknowledge, rather than deny, the reality of the implicit messages their teen may be getting at home and at school. Doing so allows them to align with their teenagers rather than contribute to their feeling isolated in the pressure. Teenagers are a work in progress. How teens do in high school and their academic achievement does not predict how they will fare in life. There are many paths to having a good life.
Parents with this type of focus often miss what is going on emotionally, psychologically and socially with their kids, who report feeling alone and uncared about by their parents, other than their achievements.
The most important predictor of health, well-being and safety for kids is when they feel supported and validated by an adult.
So your child got into a good college – now what?
I have worked with many young adults and parents of young adults who got into a competitive college, and then crashed when they were there, covering up their struggles from their parents until they were busted. They were often superstars in high school, where they were propped up, but then once at college they were unable to maintain that level of performance and validation. When they don’t measure up to expectations, they feel like they are a failure, retreating in shame, rather than seeking help. Fearful of disappointing their parents, the consequences snowball until it’s too late and they are on probation or at risk in other ways.
