When we hear the word “midlife,” it is usually followed by the word “crisis” – although midlife for some can be a time of reflection, reevaluation, and possibility, not calamity. Midlife crises can occur in both men and women, though they have been stereotypically associated with men and affairs.
Men may develop an identity crisis in midlife and feel constrained
Midlife crises take a particular form in men facing an identity crisis at this juncture in their lives, and then expand into a marital and family crisis. Men in a midlife crisis feel trapped in an identity or lifestyle that feels constraining, and want to break out. With a sense of only a finite amount of time left, they grasp at a last chance for a feeling of vitality and pleasure.
Jonathan, feeling trapped in his marriage, had an affair and got the affair woman pregnant, unwittingly beginning a new family and forcing his hand with regard to his marriage. Later in therapy, he recognized that in order to trump his fear and avoid facing his feelings about his marriage, he unconsciously escalated his situation – the only way he could escape.
Jonathan felt like a stranger in his life and lonely in his marriage. He reacted by unconsciously “falling into” an affair with a colleague whom he had learned was attracted to him and who had befriended him. He had not planned on having an affair, but fantasized about it, which brought him relief from loneliness. Finding himself in situations with in which he felt tempted, he eventually could not resist.
Fantasies about recapturing youth
Preoccupation with fantasy about what can be recaptured from youth can impede perspective and fuel the normal feelings of disappointment and loss which can occur at this time. Use of fantasy to escape can play a role in what men do and whether or not a crisis ensues. In the same way that dwelling on worries and possible catastrophes fuels anxiety and makes fears more vivid, immersion in fantasy can enhance, rather than quench, our longings. Alternatively, having a vision of change that is something achievable, anchored to the context of our lives, can gives us a map and allow us to grow.
Midlife and adolescent dynamics can be similar
An essential developmental issue in midlife for men is sorting out who they are separate from societal and family expectations, also common to an adolescence. Midlife can be a time for men to give voice to unexpressed parts of the self. Though both periods of life can lead to rebellion, in teenagers rebellion and risk-taking can be a necessary part of exploring the edges of identity and what they can do or become out. With men at midlife, on the other hand, risk-taking does not have to involve rebellion. In healthy resolutions of this phase of life, risk-taking is guided by the resources and judgment of an adult part of the self, which takes on a similar function within – to a parent with a teen, containing the restless, impulsive side of oneself and preventing destructive outcomes.
Men who followed a prescribed path without question are vulnerable
Life is ripe for a midlife crisis when men feel there’s no room for growth, change – when they somehow have created an image, lifestyle which they question whether they belong in or fit in that feels empty or inauthentic. These men may have made life decisions early on unquestioningly and followed a path set by others’ expectations of them or what they felt they should do. These perceptions, combined with an inability to talk openly about them and develop perspective, create the breeding grounds for crises stemming from the need to escape.
Men who are particularly vulnerable are often those who have done all the right things, or the conventional things, and now question how it is that they got into the life they are in and how they became “that guy” – the one people call “sir”- the guy they see in the mirror living their life who looks like their dad. Maybe their values have changed or they are rebelling against values they’ve held that constrained them.
Sadly, at times the crisis of infidelity is the only thing that awakens and motivates both people in a marriage to notice and change destructive patterns that have set in. Often fear of loss of the relationship has to be greater than the fear of change or conflict, in order for people to be able to seek help.
A developmentally normal sense of internal conflict and uncertainty about one’s identity and values morphs into a crisis when men act out or are on the precipice of acting out. When it seems there is no way out, creating a crisis, usually an unconscious process, forces change. Once men act on their impulses, a psychological state becomes a life crisis. Crises in midlife, as in many circumstances, can lead to either growth or destruction depending on how it is managed.
They may engage in teenage-like rebellion: have an affair, leave their family, drink more, become irresponsible, and take obvious and foolish risks.
