Disclaimer: The characters from the vignettes in Dr. Margolies’ articles are fictitious and designed to be relatable to many people and common themes. They are not based on any patient’s individual situation or disclosure but were derived from a composite of people and events for the purpose of representing real-life situations and psychological dilemmas.
People often avoid connecting authentically or otherwise with people they know or love who are grieving, have terminal illnesses, or suffering other tragedies – inadvertently isolating those who need them. They distance, change the topic to the luck of it all or steer clear of talking about the elephant in the room. Understanding the psychology behind this behavior, can help those who do this and those who feel alone because of someone acting this way with them,
A common rationalization for disconnecting from people who are struck by tragedy is harboring the belief that this behavior is protective of the one who is suffering. However, in reality, their distancing is typically due to the helper’s own discomfort. Because of this discomfort, and/or not knowing what to say or how to act, people instinctively pull back emotionally or otherwise, precluding meaningful connection.
Katy was diagnosed with a meningioma, a rare operable brain tumor occurring in about 7 in 100,000 people. The tumor was an “incidental finding” or coincidence – revealed on a CT scan administered for a concussion unrelated to the tumor.
Katy required a 7-hour brain surgery while fully awake, so she could respond to questions from the surgeons. During the surgery, which involved temporary removal of her skull, her head was nailed into an MRI. She could hear and smell the drilling into her skull. There was risk of paralysis with surgery, but definitive risk of paralysis, or death, without it. If the operation were successful, however, she would be OK.
As Katy told the story of the discovery of the tumor and its implications to her friends and family, a common response was, “Wow – you’re really lucky!” Hmm… only 7 in 100,000 people get a brain tumor like this and it happened to her. Is that really being “lucky?” What they really meant was, “Oh my God, what if you hadn’t had the concussion and didn’t discover the tumor in time?” Yes, it could have been worse. She could have been robbed of the chance to have surgery and possible cure.
But how is it that upon hearing such a story the word “lucky” comes to mind? Why do people say this? It’s not uncommon for people to respond to tragedies in this way, even sometimes their own. The reasons aren’t that different from those behind comments made to the grief-stricken that their deceased loved one is “better off.” Mostly, such responses are unconsciously designed to make the person saying them more comfortable, but can invalidate the pain of the one who’s suffering. It’s uncomfortable to talk about frightening and painful things, or to imagine ourselves in the shoes of someone with such a scary fate.
We need to keep a comfortable distance from facing other people’s tragic fates and the reality that it could happen to us. This defense helps us to remove ourselves and focus on the interesting coincidence, the positive, and how things could have been worse.
It’s one thing, however, to cope with our own and, at times, others’ tragedies by focusing on the silver lining and maintaining a positive perspective. Focusing on the positive can be adaptive as a way to feel hope and not sink into despair, giving us time to adjust. Similarly, gratitude, achieved from within through genuine, hard-earned acceptance and perspective can foster resilience to weather misfortune.
But when someone we care about is suffering tragedy or ill fate, understanding their subjective experience by listening carefully and following their lead can inform our sense of how to respond in a way that would be comforting to them. Some people do need to avoid facing painful realities at times and feel better when others join with them in this way. In that situation, however, an optimistic perspective is truly an empathic response that emerges from sensing where the other person is, rather than from one’s own anxiety or helplessness. Warning signs that you may be at risk for imposing your own discomfort onto your friend or loved one, rather than being with them include feeling anxious to do something and make things better, or feeling awkward and wanting to get away.
Though it may be a well-kept secret, many people going through such tragedies privately talk of feeling isolated and unsupported emotionally. Sensing that those around them feel uncomfortable, they are forced to protect family and friends from having uncomfortable feelings. They are left with nowhere to turn. Being a true friend is to have courage to step into your loved one’s shoes so they don’t feel alone or have to take care of you.
Before you tell someone stricken by tragedy how lucky they are, take a moment to consider whether you would want to trade places with them. Then you would suddenly be the “lucky” one. On the other hand, if you are the one in a tragic situation and someone tells you how lucky you are, you can always be armed with the snarky reply and tell them, “You should be so lucky.”
