Most of us know how frustrating it can be to witness others, or ourselves, continuing to engage in compulsive, self-defeating behaviors despite the obvious negative or even destructive effects. Sometimes it seems like what’s needed is more willpower, moral fiber, or a better strategy to fight temptation when the primitive part of our brains take over. However, in many cases the real obstacle to success is that we were never truly on board with giving up these patterns in the first place. But why wouldn’t people who seem to, or should, “know better” be motivated to stop doing something that goes against themselves or even hurts people they love?
David, 40, a renowned surgeon was a kind, good-natured, caring man. He had trouble trusting people close to him, which he related to his childhood and not being able to count on anyone. Like his dad, David had numerous extramarital affairs- even though he loved his wife and family more than anything and had been so hurt by his dad’s affair and abandonment. His wife discovered one of his affairs some years ago, and it nearly destroyed her and their marriage. When he thought about it he was overcome with shame and guilt.
David finally sought individual therapy because he felt unhappy, empty and depressed.
Though he was not involved in an affair at that time, he was attempting to contact a woman who had ended an affair with him. At first David said the problem was that he wasn’t capable of stopping these behaviors. He later struggled in therapy about what the goal should be – seeming oppositional about the prospect of working towards abstaining from affairs and behaviors that led to them. On the one hand, David idealized and defended his affairs, but when faced with what he did and how it affected his family, he felt terrible and saw himself as a bad person. He cared about how he treated people, especially those he loved.
In one session David talked about a movie he had recently seen that had a profound effect on him. He identified with a character who was at the end of his life facing regret and emptiness about how he had lived it. He feared this would be him, but talked about this in a curiously detached and fatalistic way.
Though David had said he couldn’t stop, before embarking on helping him with this, the therapist wanted to determine whether this was the problem at hand or whether the first problem was motivational. She asked him, “If I could give you a pill right now that would instantly give you the ability to stop, would you take it?” He said he could not commit to that. In fact, David had not made a decision to work towards change and, without that, efforts to help him would be in vain. Had he said, “Yes” the next question would be, “Why- what are the reasons?” When people articulate the reasons the want to change, it establishes internal motivation, accessing a wise part of them with knowledge that can be accessed later to reign in instinctive reactions.
David appeared to recognize that his “acting out” was hurting him and the people he most wanted to protect. But then why didn’t he want to stop? A popular answer would be: moral weakness, narcissism or selfishness, but if that were the case, David wouldn’t see himself as bad and suffer so much guilt and remorse. But then what explains David’s lack of motivation and fatalistic attitude about change?
Motivational Obstacles : Lack of awareness
What explains David’s lack of motivation and fatalistic attitude about change?
Though David seemed aware of what he was doing and the consequences, being compartmentalized created a detachment from his values, feelings, and the feelings of those he loved. With this disconnect, he knew the facts but in a way that did not feel real. More importantly, he was not anchored to the adult, evolved part of himself which held the values that gave his life meaning. It is this sense of ourselves in perspective through time that, like a lighthouse, guide us to resist temptation and follow a path that protects what matters and who we want to be.
Compartmentalization as an accomplice
Compartmentalization is a psychological defense that involves walling off aspects of ourselves and feelings to avoid pain and/or internal conflict. It involves a form of pretending in which information is temporarily banished from consciousness, in effect simplifying our experience and reducing breadth of awareness. This strategy can be used intentionally and is designed to allow us to function better without emotional interference. But being walled off from feelings and aspects of ourselves when occurring automatically, can enable self deception and lead to emotionally blind betrayal of ourselves and others. In this way, compartmentalization can play the role of enabler and accomplice in self-sabotaging patterns.
David’s mind was stuck on one channel. When compartmentalization is at play, the mind functions as if parts of the brain are offline- reducing breadth of awareness and limiting how the mind and brain functions. Here David lost sight of the goodness in him, which including caring about how he treated people, and protecting his family. Detached from his values, with no lighthouse in sight, he betrayed himself and the people he loved. This resulted in deep emptiness and shame – a signal from inside himself that he was doing something was wrong.
Intercepting compartmentalization and releasing inner conflict
Activating David’s own inner conflict
Telling people about the dangers of their behavior does not work. In this case, David already “knew” about the dangerous consequences of his behavior and this is not uncommon. But information has no meaning unless it feels real and the part of us that know what matters to us and what there is to lose is online.
When compartmentalization is at play, the mind functions as if parts of the brain are offline. When one channel is on, other channels are there but they are shut off
David’s mind was stuck on one channel. Compartmentalization can be intercepted by fast forwarding through time to access the wisdom of our future self. Helping David involved being able to see beyond that, and having faith that if he were in control and could see what he was doing, he would not want to blow up his life.
The approach involved releasing access to the wise part of him – thereby activating his own inner struggle and not hijacking it by trying to get him to stop his self-destructive behavior.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of struggling with the part of him that had taken control of the wheel, inadvertently fortifying its resolve. Even in the absence of obvious rebelliousness , when people feel pressured to give up something, it strengthens their need to secure it. Also, being more invested in the outcome than the person you’re trying to help sets up a distracting control struggle that undermines their ability to recognize their own inner conflict – the impetus for internally motivated action.
Intercepting compartmentalization
The therapist had to surrender, accept as true that David intended to continue his behavior, and try help him accept it too.Rather than helping him stop his self-destructive behavior, here the goal was for David to tolerate knowing in a more integrated, emotionally real way how his actions would play out – thereby disrupting the self-deception that impeded his judgment. He could choose a path of destruction, but only with eyes open, in full view of the havoc he was wreaking, and recognizing himself as inflicting harm.
This involved grieving with him the losses he would face, and elaborate on the visceral details, intensifying the scene and his feelings to override the imagined rush and break through his fantasy. With the guidance of his future self, the sessions leveraged his fear of losing his family and being alone. For example, David imagined fast forwarding through time, envisioning that he had been found out. He visualized dreaded scenarios of his worst fears. Some examples include: his wife leaving him and visualizing being alone in the silence of an apartment without her or his kids; his wife finding out, collapsing to the floor as she had before, but this time having a heart attack and dying- leaving him horrified and alone.
Time travel and the road back to wisdom
Fast forwarding through time is a bridge that provides ready access to a longer range view of ourselves and inner wisdom that may be blocked. The future self is an easy liaison to a unique ability to reflect with perspective on decisions that have yet to play out, knowing how you will feel while there is still time to turn back. Further, this allows consequences to feel real while experienced at a safe enough distance to be tolerated.
David envisioned having continued on the same path and then fast forwarding to the end of his life.. Like the character in the movie, he found himself in the future looking back, facing emptiness, loss and regret.
To help him “own” what he was choosing and make it real to him, he practiced saying outloud that he wanted to continue doing these things that would leave him alone, destroy his family, and lead to emptiness and regret.
David’s mind was stuck on one channel. When compartmentalization is at play, the mind functions as if parts of the brain are offline. When one channel is on, other channels are there but “offline,” constricting breadth of awareness and limiting how the mind and brain functions. Compartmentalization can be intercepted by fast forwarding through time to access the wisdom of our future self. Helping David involved being able to see beyond that, and having faith that if he were in control and could see what he was doing, he would not want to blow up his life.
The approach involved releasing access to the wise part of him – thereby activating his own inner struggle and not hijacking it by trying to get him to stop his self-destructive behavior.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of struggling with the part of him that had taken control of the wheel, inadvertently fortifying its resolve. Even in the absence of obvious rebelliousness , when people feel pressured to give up something, it strengthens their need to secure it. Also, being more invested in the outcome than the person you’re trying to help sets up a distracting control struggle that undermines their ability to recognize their own inner conflict – the impetus for internally motivated action.
Summary
Shame and emotional dysregulation
Compulsive self-destructive behavior patterns like David’s can be propelled unconsciously by an internalized sense of badness common in childhood emotional neglect, abuse or abandonment. When these feelings are acted upon by doing something “bad”, a self-fulfilling prophesy ensues – making real what had been a feeling sense- reinforcing shame and guilt, the need for escape, and a cycle of self-destructive behavior . At the same time, accumulating evidence of “badness” resonates in a satisfying way with an haunting but intangible self-perception, further intensifying temptation.
In addition, compulsive self-destructive behaviors, like other addictive symptoms, are often instigated in an attempt to ward off painful states such as depression, emptiness and isolation in the absence of other ways of coping. David found himself caught in a familiar state of aloneness and, unhinged from any positive view of himself in relationship to others, was overtaken by a familiar instinct to escape. High risk, stimulating behaviors provide a rush powerful enough to overwrite unbearable feelings, offering rapid transport into another state of mind, and [false] security. But this temporary respite is followed by feeling demoralized and out of control- leading to insidious deterioration of mood, mental state and family life.
Shame and emotional dysregulation are forces that drive self-destructive behavior, but compartmentalization allows it to continue.David stopped acting out and engaged in therapy when he was connected to the what he was doing and it became real to him. Once this happened, the wise part of him that knew what he had to lose -and cared- had a chance to come to the rescue before it was too late.
Holes in awareness caused by compartmentalization, denial or the inability to project into the future due to executive function issues, age, or the strength of temptation, can allow self -destructive agendas to operate in their own orbit and spiral out of control.
Shallow or disingenuous motivation- fueled by compartmentalization- can sabotage progress towards changing behavior. Disconnection from inner wisdom and perspective precludes the feeling of conflict that motivates us to have restraint when tempted to violate what we hold precious. Without this grounding fantasy can lead the way, divorcing us from reality and tricking us into into a false sense of how good we will feel ,and the illusion that we can act out with impunity.
